Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Polygny thoughts - Did I mess it up?

A brother who was interested in marrying me over a year ago (it didnt happen), contacted me online today out of the blue. He asked how I was and what I was up to. I had a feeling he was married by now because I saw a pic on facebook, but anyway I didnt ask just yet. So we had a nice conversation, he has made Hijrah now and he asked if I was married. I'm not, so i told him so, and asked if he was. it turns out that he has been married now for a year and has a son, MashaAllah. But....he says he is thinking of having another wife, and wondered what I thought about that (implying me as being the new co-wife).

He says he doesnt know if his wife will accept it.

Now I know nothing is wrong with Polygny, but I tried to put myself in the other sister's shoes, as a new wife, only one year married, new baby, living in a new foreign country.....would I be excited about my husband taking another wife at this time? more than likely, NO, I would not be too thrilled. His reason is that he wants a big family (6 children) and she only wants to have three children. WHOA...I told him to be patient, maybe she would have more than three, and that I thought it was too soon for him to be thinking about another wife right now, and that she might not be too happy with the idea at this time. He thanked me for my advice and that was it.

Did I shoot myself in the foot, or did I do the right thing? I think he is a good Muslim MashaAllah, and Allah Subhana wa ta'ala knows best, so did I sabotage myself? Aaargh, I feel so confused, and today was going so well :-(


  1. Salaam Alaikum sis,

    Gosh I can only but imagine how you must be feeling- a difficult situation right .. Sis well done for acknowledging wife number ones feeling first of all..
    How would you feel being wife number 2 sis?
    I don't know me personally don't think I'd be comfortable with it at all...
    Did you do istikhara sis? Our beautiful prophet saw used to teach us to do istikhara in everything we do...Allhumdulillah the prayer instantly puts me in a state if calm.

  2. Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatullah Sister Jannah,
    I hadn't done Istikhara yet, I kinda just answered on the spot with my opinion on things, but I know how I would feel if I were in her situation right now. I will do istikhara InshaAllah and take it from there. Hmmm...being wife number 2? it depends, if the brother is a good practicing Muslim with taqwa and fear of Allah, then I would consider, because if he truly fears Allah he will not treat the wives unfairly or mistreat them.

  3. Its a tough one. As Muslim women we are supposed to accept that a man can have multiple wives and leave it at that... but there is a lot of emotion involved.

    Think it through and see if you find you could deal with it. If he has the financial means to support 2 wives and you think he is a good brother it might be fine.

  4. Well, why didn't you marry him before? I mean, you don't have to answer that, but if there's a reason, has it changed? I personally wouldn't get involved, but you said it best; it all depends on the brother. These days, too many losers are getting more than one wife and everyone ends up miserable because he doesn't have the taqwa to handle the situation.

  5. Yes I agree Sister Jamilah, there would be a lot of emotion involved, and I don't know if I could maturely handle it. I'll do Istikhara and see how it all plays out InshaAllah.

  6. Sister Umm Omar, the reason for not marrying him before has changed, well it partially changed.

    I don't have a good feeling about it based on the fact that they just had a baby too, but I intend to do Istikhara about it.

    In the meantime I have also made Istikhara about another brother who I have been encouraged to 'pursue' (who is currently single :) and I am patiently waiting to see the results of that. If there was a choice I would choose the single brother not just because of his 'singleness' but some other factors as well, InshaAllah.

  7. Salaams Dear:

    When he said that he didn't know if his wife would accept it - that should be the first clue. In my opinion, every woman should discuss p with a potential husband. Therefore, no surprises. Also in the discussion should be how many children the couple wants.

    Also, this guy is searching for a second wife without his wife's knowledge. For me, I don't like that either. I wouldn't want such a life-changing thing sprung onto my marriage.

    Who knows if hubby would be searching for #3 behind my back.

    I have no problem with p sisters. My problem is the way some brothers do it.

  8. Wa alaikum salaam Sister Safiyyah,

    Yes that gave me an uneasy feeling too, that he is looking without her knowledge, and perhaps he knows she would not agree to it, it would be a life changing decision after all.
    I agree with you, I don't have a problem with it but I don't like the way some brothers go about it either.

  9. Go for the single brother. Don't complicate your life, his life and his wife's life. Marriage is better when its just one man and one woman as stated in the Holy Quraan.
    I'm not against polygyny. But I'd avoid it as far as I can.

    Your first response was probably the most true to your intuition. As you mentioned there were many negative things that made you unsure of him this time round. Perform your istikhara, Allah will guide you dear sis.

    But we should listen to our intuition too. In fact, your guidance from performing Istikhara comes through your intuition. If after your istikhara you still have doubts, then do not marry this brother.

    You should feel as if you are taking a step forward in life when you enter a marriage, whether polygynous or monogamous. You should feel good about it. Not full of doubts as you are now.

    Good luck! May you make the decision that brings you the most happiness, contentment and which brings you closer to Allah. Insha Allah. :)


  10. Assalamualeikum sister,
    I think you handled the situation well. I would've done the same thing. The fact that the first wife just got a baby and he's already looking for wife#2 is weird for me. I'm just thinking about how i would feel if I just had a baby and my husband was already shopping for wife#2. Yes, I accept polygny as being part of our deen, but I don't think I could go through all the emotions and added trials that go with it. Sisters who go through it are stronger than I am and May Allah reward them for their patience.

  11. JazakAllah Khair for your advice Sister Fatima, its taken a while but I have learned to trust my intuition too :). You are absolutely right that it should feel like taking a step forward in life and I am filled with doubts about this situation. Ameen to your dua, sis shukran.

  12. Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatullah, Sister hijabee I had the same thoughts. I accept polygny as part of the religion but the circumstances have to be right for me and this doesnt feel right at this time. I admire sisters and brothers who make it successful, May Allah reward them Ameen.

  13. I find it interesting that he never once mentioned telling his parents about these feelings, much less an imam, or his wife. Technically, he needs his families permission, and that's the first sign that he is someone marked by Allah as unsuitable for a poly life.

    I honestly have no problem with poly families either, but does he have the income needed in this day and age? A new baby needs formula, and you truly deserve nothing less than the best sweet sis. I can only imagine how the baby would grow to despise her dad, her mom, and you if you go through with this. Of course, this is if he can't provide for everyone. If he can, maybe it can work dear one.

    Me personally, I'd want to be wife #1 in a situation like that. Being #2 seems like the same as being a middle child. I think you deserve more. You could have no end of trouble, Our Rewards Await Us blog is a cautionary tale. Love you dearly.

  14. Hi Lisa :), he doesnt need to have his families permission, however to preserve a harmonious relationship and to prevent fitnah it should be discussed with them especially his current wife.

    A man who would not take into consideration the existing wife's feelings is not right for me as he may do the same to me. If he loves you he will consider your feelings or opinions, but once again, permission is not necessary as it is allowed by Allah.

    Whether 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th, I don't like the labels, he should treat all equally amd justly and they should be referred to as 'co-wives'. Being #1 or #2 gives an air of status and may make one feel above the other in some sort of rank, when that is not what is truly intended.

    Personally I would have to get along well with the other wife (or wives), I'd want to be the best of friends, I know with emotions involved and all, that would not necessarily happen, and I don't think I am strong enough for less than that, and Allah knows best.

    Thanks for your well wishes dear Lisa, and I love you for the sake of Allah, and I pray that we all find true happiness in this life and the next, Ameen.

  15. Sis, do your istikhara, it is the best thing for you I beleive.

    Please keep us posted on this insh'Allah

  16. It looks quite strange that a man who didn't propose you before marriage is proposing you after. If you ask me what should you do, I ask you to say no. But as you're up to Istakhara, it depends on your Istakhara now.

  17. Assalamu alaikum Aurangzeb,

    Yes he had proposed before , over a year ago, but I said no at that time. I did Istikhara , and I don't think its a good idea to marry him, I still don't have a good feeling about him, and Allah knows best.

  18. Woah, I can rant about these men! The nerve, lol jokes. But do they know what theyre going to be getting themselves into. Its good and sunnah but no more sleeping easy, one night here one night there.
    I admire co-wives because I know if it was me it would be really hard. Anyways, it was a tricky situation, as long as you're happy.

    Barakallahu feeki!

  19. Lol, yep the nerve. I do admire co-wives also, at least those that make it work, and I admire the men that are fair to their wives and that can actually afford to take care of ALL their families, MashaAllah. But I don't think that situation with this particular brother is for me. JazakAllah Khair for visiting my blog Cushitic girl :)

  20. Just an update for everybody who's following this post. I decided not to go with either of the two brothers. I have too many doubts about the married guy and the single guy has some issues getting over an engagement breakup with someone else...and says he needs time to be by himself and whatever....sooooooo back to the search.

  21. Assalamu Alaykum sis
    Hmm, that's a real sticky position to be placed in and I think you handled it well alhamdolilah.
    May Allah guide you to do what is best for you ameen ya Rab
    Oh I just read the last comment you wrote :s go figure, honestly I find many sisters are having this problem, even myself.
    may Allah bless you with a suitable and righteous spouse ameen and ameen for all those single sisters out there, myself included lol
    take care

  22. Wa alaykum salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh Sis Le-Ann,

    JazakAllah khayr for your dua, Ameen! And the same to you too sis, may Allah bless you with a pious spouse who has taqwa Ameen!

  23. I too don't have a problem with the poly bit. But I agree with all the other posts. If a man wants a second wife he should first converse with the first about it. It seems to me he he searching for an external band-aid to fix what many women and men feel when they are first married and have a child so quickly. They didn't get a chance to get to know each other really well and now they have the added stress of a baby which takes a lot of time up. I think it was wise of you that you told him to talk to his wife. Maybe it will help them and then in a few years if he wants a second wife still he can go about it with the permission of his first makeing the second wife and first wife feel comfortable with each without possable jealousy that I have none some poly's to have in their marriage. Good luck and may you find a nice humble man that cares for you.